What Are You Ashamed Of?
“I have spent a good many years--too many, I think--being ashamed about what I write. I think I was forty before I realized that almost every writer of fiction or poetry who has ever published a line has been accused by someone of wasting his or her God-given talent. If you write (or paint or dance or sculpt or sing, I suppose), someone will try to make you feel lousy about it, that's all.” ― Stephen King, On Writing
Photo by Mark Rain, www.azrainman.com, via Flickr
Ironically, the first novel King published is a cautionary tale about overcoming shame.
Carrie is a high school girl terrorized by her classmates because of the lifestyle her religiously fanatical mother imposes on her. When he wrote it, King, then a high school English teacher who cranked out short stories for men's magazines on nights and weekends, wasn't making much money writing. He'd even had his phone shut off to help make ends meet. He got as far as the third page of Carrie, yanked it out of the typewriter, and trashed it all. His wife rescued it, suggested he continue.
"My considered opinion was that I had written the world's all-time loser," he told Adelina Magazine in 1980. "I persisted because I was dry and had no better ideas."
Let's review. High school English teacher. Broke. Writes for smut magazines. Dry. No ideas. Hates his piece.
And yet, he persisted.
And when it was done, King sent Carrie to Doubleday. Since they couldn't call him (no phone, remember?), they sent him a telegram:
"Carrie Officially A Doubleday Book. $2,500 Advance Against Royalties. Congrats, Kid - The Future Lies Ahead, Bill."
Would that be enough to end your shame?
Since King published his first work for pay, The Glass Floor, in 1967, he'd been a professional writer for twenty years before he shed the shame. Twenty years. That's a long time to feel ashamed of what you do, of what you love to do, of what you feel compelled, have always felt compelled, to do. Yet, in spite of his feelings, King published 130 pieces of nonfiction, short fiction, novellas, novels, and essays in those 20 years, many of them best sellers. Even if you don't like Stephen King (and, whether you know it or not, you probably do. I mean, come on. Misery? The Green Mile? The Shawshank Redemption?), you have to be be amazed. Sitting down to write Carrie, the man had every reason to quit, and he almost did. But he had two things going for him:
- The support of someone (his wife) who believed in him, and
- Persistance.
He didn't have money.
He didn't have an endless supply of time.
He didn't have confidence.
But he persisted.
Carly Fleischmann is 16 years old. She loves clothes shopping, thinks Jack Black is hilarious, and falls asleep in Civics class. She began writing at the age of 11 and her first book is set to be released on March 27. But Carly didn't start writing so she could publish a book. She started writing so she could communicate with words.
Until age 11, Carly Fleischmann had never expressed herself in a way others could clearly understand. Trapped in her own body by severe autism and oral-motor apraxia, she had never been able to fully express the constant pain and frustration of being enslaved to obsessive compulsive behaviors and sensory overload. Because her daily habits included banging her head for hours at a time, humming loudly, and smearing her own feces on the walls, Carly needed constant care, specialists who gave her one-on-one training, and, thanks to her parents, she received it, even when others told them they should put her in a group home. There wasn't any expectation that she'd ever use words to communicate.
Until, one day, at age 11, she used one finger, stabbed at a computer keyboard, and wrote two words:
"HURT" and
"HELP"
We're not much different from Carly. We're enslaved by pain, compulsive behavior, sensory overload. We try to communicate with those around us, but we can't form the words. We bang our heads for hours at a time, and, when we can't take anymore, we explode. We smear our crap all over the walls and leave someone else to clean up the mess, because we don't know what else to do.
Carly is able to say now, through her writing, that she knows the difference between right and wrong, but she can't help herself. When her OCD gets really bad, she knows it, and it makes her angry. But now, because she can use one finger, one single finger, and punch the keys on a keyboard, she can express her frustration. She wants to be normal. She wants to be accepted. She wants to give a voice to those with autism. She feels happy and angry and excited and ashamed. Carly writes because she has:
- The support of someone (her parents and caregivers) who believed in her, and;
- Persistance.
It's certainly not easy for her. Carly writes on her blog,
"There are many days when I think it might be easier to give up then fight.
However if I give up if I don’t try then who am I really. Because when it’s all said and done I am Carly fleischmann a girl who needs to try to be the best I can be. I know its not easy I know I will slip up and temptation will win once in a while. But I am me and if I’m not trying to better my self then who will?"
You have something you love to do, feel compelled, have always felt compelled, to do. It's time to stop making excuses, to stop feeling ashamed. I'm not saying it will be easy for you. You will still feel like beating your head against the wall. You will still feel ashamed.People will still accuse you of wasting your God-given talent. You might even have to disconnect your phone to make ends meet. You will slip up, and temptation will win once in a while, but persist.
Even if you toss your first three pages in the trash.
Even if you think you have no good ideas.
Even if all you can do is use one finger,
stab at a computer keyboard,
and begin with two words:
"Hurt" and
"Help."
*Photo credit: Mark Rain